“Good Credit, Buy Anything!” – Trevor Noah – (African American)


It’s crazy, I’m loving it Living the American life
it’s crazy I actually learned to drive out here
which was fun Had to get a car obviously Which I just almost couldn’t get Had to fill out form and they want your credit because in America credit is very important I don’t understand the concept I went to the car dealership and
there was this Asian gentleman helping me And we are going through the forms
and he says How long have you lived in America for? I said
I haven’t lived here for long He said oh
this no good for you, this no good for you I said
what do you mean You can not lease car in America unless
you been here long time Because you don’t have credit okay I said well I’ve got the money to pay for it He says
yes that’s not the point okay That’s not the point
in America okay In this country we want credit okay Our country focus on credit If you got good credit you can buy anything We don’t care about money
we want credit I said
credit is the assumption that you can pay He’s like no that don’t count here okay In our country if you got good credit
you can buy anything okay His like our country
our country and I was like Look I hate to be rude
but when you say our country Do you mean our
because you live here now Or our
because the Chinese own it And he was like
ah it’s a bit of both okay But no credit no car for you
goodbye I couldn’t just buy myself a car this horrible thing, drive around and that’s the worst thing,
driving in America, wow on the other side of the road you feel like a rebel you know until you see the other cars
coming and then it’s not so much fun you know how many times I did
that, just going to the wrong side? Ugh! and don’t trust movies,
it’s not easy to do that whole thing No people don’t just
drive, no they stop they just look at you,
“what are you doing!” In the movies you drive past.
“what are you doing!” no they don’t drive, they just
wait for you to turn around and the streets are so small,
you’re doing one of those turns just watching them and
you’re ashamed, its horrible I had to practice for months, it was the worst I remember I drove into a street once I thought I had learned, it had been
months and I’d been doing it well and then I turned into the wrong way and I saw this little old
Asian lady driving towards me and I was like, “No!” and there was nobody else
so I swerved the car around I was like woo, yeah, hero! and I drove and there where 50
cars coming this way and I was like, Ugh you bitch!
Ugh! and funny, I told my friend this story I told him like this,
I was like this is what happened and he was like, “Ah, that’s so funny man,
that’s so funny and he asks who was driving the car? I said a little old Asian lady He’s like, “Oh yeah,
you cant say that man, you cant you cant say that.
I said, what do you mean? He’s like,
yeah you cant say she’s Asian I said why not? He’s like,”yeah,
because that’s racist.” I said what, that she’s Asian? He’s like, “No, if she’s a bad driver and you say she’s
Asian, that’s racist.” I was like,
so let me get this straight Asian’s are not allowed
to be called bad drivers? is this not racism in it self? everyone else is allowed
the world of bad drivers but if I’m driving on the
freeway behind an Asian person and they are swerving around and I go,
this bad driver you drive like crap! and I pull up next to them like Oh no, sorry, ha ha you’re not a bad driver, you’re just Asian I’m sorry isn’t it racism in it self? it’s madness so now what I had to do
to get around is use a GPS I decided to get one of those first I tried to be a cheapskate I thought get a phone with a GPS it was a horrible mistake bought myself one of
those I phones with Siri your assistant she talks to
you, she listens to you if you’re American she does not understand
one word I say I don’t understand
why, I speak English I’m there talking to her
(sound) She’s like, what do you need? I’m like Siri, please call Peter you want pizza? No, no, cancel, cancel Siri, I need Peter “you want pizza?”
No, Siri, Siri? I want Peter not Pizza “You want pizza?”
No, no No Siri, what’s going on here You want to, Peter, Siri,
Siri, Peter, Siri, Siri “You are not making sense.”
Siri, are you having a attitude at me? “you tell me”
I don’t know what the hell is going on here Siri, just listen to me “I don’t know”
What do you mean you don’t know? Siri just, ah bitch! Ugh! “Dialing mom”
What the hell?! It’s just horrible that’s when I had to buckle
down and get myself a real GPS to get me around. which has been working like a charm if you don’t have a
GPS, get yourself one it’s the best thing you’ll ever do just don’t make the mistake I
made, and buy it from Craigslist I bought one of Craigslist but the guy who sold
it to me didn’t tell me that it was a Spanish language GPS which is not so good I didn’t understand anything she says I still get around because the
arrows are in English, thank God but otherwise it was just horrible and I hated it the first few
days, and then and then I fell in love with
her, she’s just you know I don’t understand why more
Americans don’t speak Spanish it’s such a sexy language I’m just sitting there, and all the men
in here you want to feel like a man you get yourself a Spanish GPS Oh no, you don’t understand traffic never sounded sexier, just like I’d just punch in random
destinations and she guides me around She’s like
(GPS sound) (GPS Speaking Spanish) (GPS Speaking Spanish) and I’m just like, ha, ha, ha ha, ha, oh shucks Tomtom,
ha, ha don’t say that all the time, ha, ha it’s just sexy you know she guides me around, it’s beautiful I love that, I’m going to
learn Spanish because of that Definitely,
Spanish has gone up on my list I had a few languages and
Spanish was like the 6th language I spoke 4 languages in South Africa and then the 5th language
was going to be Japanese and then Spanish,
but now Spanish has gone up Japanese I’ve had to pause because of the earthquake, there’s
not that many of them traveling now it’s just sad,
there’s like no one now they used to walk around the
streets, you know but Spanish has gone up because I was getting good at
Japanese, don’t get me wrong I was getting really good you know and it’s a great
language, it’s powerful because you speak Japanese from
your chest it makes you feel strong (Speaking Japanese) very strong where as English you
speak from the head and the chest do you know what I mean? your head and chest you wouldn’t know this you wouldn’t know this if you listened
to many coastal girls in America like I’ve been in places
like California where woman insist on speaking English from their nose which is not the correct way “like oh my God you guys gonna like do this and I was like there with Tiffany
and we where talking and then” that’s not the right way,
you’re not using your lungs I know this because when I choked her she sounded exactly the same She’s there and she’s like “Oh my God you’re like
totally choking me right now and I cant breath and this is so not on,
I’m gonna Tweet about this this is like the worst thing ever I am so dying, OMG” you know, it’s horrible where Japanese is strong Japanese you speak from the
chest, you know a lot of Americans are
learning Chinese I see you know, I see people like “you gotta learn Chinese they are taking over, Chinese Ne hao ma! she shing nei Sha Nez” it’s too late to learn Chinese, it’s over No its true, because it’s also one
of the hardest languages in the world I mean how do you learn Chinese now? they’ve got over 10 thousand characters
in their alphabet, you know this? 10 thousand characters we’ve got 26 in English and there’s still people
going what comes after Q twenty six this is you know, 10 they have got
that’s super smart they must have the worst
sesame street in the world it must suck being a Muppet in that country see them on a Monday
morning singing to the kids (singing in Chinese) 5 years later (singing in Chinese) it’s just horrible Horrible

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100 thoughts on ““Good Credit, Buy Anything!” – Trevor Noah – (African American)

  1. Thanks for watching! 🙌🏾Subscribe & turn on notifications to find out when I upload new videos! http://bit.ly/SubscribeTrevorNoah

  2. Dude .. you have so lost your edge since you moved from back home 🙁 Why not go back to your original roots and standup, it was brilliant, your American humour is Kak ek sei

  3. Such a shame, the writers on the Daily Show don't come even close to his standup material. Stopped watching it, but I love his standups.

  4. As a mandarin user that last bit cracks me up real good, back in primary school (7 – 12) for 6 years we were still learning new Chinese characters and when we were secondary school (13 – 17) we still come across Chinese characters that still means something different (even the stroke of the Chinese character seems alike or the same)

    Imagine writing a Chinese essay, man those days in primary school couldn't write a line without the need to check the dictionary for some characters.

  5. This is exactly why reparations, which will never happen, should come in the form of 800+ credit scores or land ownership. That's real wealth. Not a new Cadillac. 🙂

  6. What was that at the end my neighbour Tre about clicking?! Don't just copy everything in America. You looked like a fool right there. Am just being honest neighbour. Be African. Just African. Not American or African American.

  7. Seriously I went to Toyota to buy my dad a new Camry XSE V6, paid in full and we got the weird looks. It was like, I'm paying "cash", we can't take cash, by cash I mean I'll do a wire the full amount. I guess they lose profit.

  8. Trevor, you are clever and funny enough without having to resort to jokes about choking women. It's never ok. It's not funny. Cheers

  9. I'm a huge Trevor Noah fan; seen lots of his stand-up from all over the world, including in South Africa. Always find him really sharp and funny, and appreciate his more global perspective. The Daily Show is one of my favorite shows and better than when Jon Stewart hosted thanks to Trevor's talent. But this stand-up is really disappointing. Jokes about bad Asian drivers, Spanish being sexy, and choking a woman basically for having an annoying voice… what's special about rehashing any of those tired stereotypes? (Or making a joke about random violence against women?) You can do better, Trevor.

  10. The choking joke is just yuck. The asian jokes are old. Why does this all sound so negative? As a Trevor fan I just don't know.

  11. Characters in Chinese are largely associated with each other and they can be differentiated by the strokes on their side.

  12. it is me again. my daughter does stand up comedy. she is beautiful funny and sensitive. can you please meet her. you will love her.

  13. I love Trevor Noah with the voice imitation, I sometimes do the voice imitation for different countries too. I laugh at myself.

  14. If the police ask for a description then and only then are you allowed to bring race up. Other wise just a bad driver.

  15. When I went to get a phone in Australia , sorry sir you don't have credit, "yeah I've never owed any money", sorry we can't give you a phone plan, you need to have credit first, "yeah I have a credit card", yes sir but you have never used it, so you don't have any credit, "im pretty sure it has a $8,000 limit", yes sir but you need a credit history, "wait so if I owed a lot of money then you would give me a phone?", yes sir, then you would have credit, "but because I don't owe lots of money, I can't get the phone" that's correct sir, how would we know your going to pay your phone bill, "because I don't owe any money? and pay my debts?", ah but sir if you did owe money then you would have credit and we would know you would pay your bill, "but if I owed money then I wouldn't have paid for it?"

  16. Trevor: what do you mean you dont knw uuuugghh B%$ch
    siri: dialling Mom 😂😂😂😂😂.
    😂😂😂🤣🤣🤣 dead for days

  17. Credit prevents hood niggas like drug dealers from living in my loft. in midtown ATL I spend almost 2 bands a month for. Me and my wife had to work hard to get where we are at, I don't think it's fair some 22 year old stripper can live next door because they can pay the rent.

    If you wanna live next to me, go get a job or start your own business like we did.

  18. TURNED me off this time just ugly'( the awkward annunciation of your 1st b-word together with that degrading 2nd one referring to your mother. So here we are at a stand point cause #1TNFAN has heard one too many play gay jokes and now this one tonight TAKES you off my list and MY radar BLOOOP:((

  19. Maybe that's why there's large portions of people in the US who don't want people speaking Spanish. They just can't handle the sexiness.

  20. Me encanta saber que Trevor el sexy, crea que el español es sexy, el español que habló es con acento de España.

  21. This nigga my hero .. I wonder if he reads his fans comments and adds us on Twitter @kissmayooo lol that will never happen

  22. Trevor Noah is one celeb I would love to sleep with…. he looks like his cum tastes sweet, and his body looks delectable.

  23. A little old Asian bad driver lady ….. in America?
    I'm from one of those Asian countries. I felt you brah…..

  24. Is it racist to call him out on the choking bit? No. Anyone can use violence against women- after demeaning them for sounding inferior because of the way they speak- as a basis for a joke, am I right?
    The bitter reality is that a woman in domestic violence is being emotionally manipulated into believing that something about them rationalizes/deserves reciprocity of violence. "Oh I am so dying, like OMG". Over-dramatic emphasis is not a crime, but murder is. Gaslighting is making someone feel that reality isn't quite as it seems to silence a victim and continue oppression. I will speak up against that- if they cannot, even if people feel PC sensorship has gone too far- UNTIL there isn't domestic violence against women anymore. Imagine, if that were true- would this joke really be so "funny"? I do not think so. Violence as a vice for entertainment, IMO is generally a lazy mechanism to incite easy emotional responses. I was emotionally triggered, but not by joyful laughter.
    If Trevor Noah wants the continued luxury and privilege of calling ANYBODY out by virtue of his show and stage platforms, on any "words" they choose to express, he needs to realize he is a hypocrite- or apologize, because he, as a professional comedian, carefully orchestrates words specifically, – for more than just the purpose of a laugh. I understand that an abuser should not seek social permission for their abuse, but for the entire history of humanity, women have been subjugated to violence from abusive men, and Time is Up Men, you need to grow past this idea that it is ok to joke about physically hurting a woman- as a start.

  25. I am 35yrs old, single disabled white girl, stuck in a toxic hud apt. in smalltown, Michigan, the only one in my extended family & 'friends' to have never been allowed one shot at a vehicle! In fact, since my first massive heart/kidney failure at 27, my ONLY WISH has been to leave everything behind & LIVE IN A VAN, which is something every single person in my family would be appalled by!
    If you're born unwanted & neglected by a family that never plans for one minute for your future, if you're disabled in childhood & expected to exist on 20% of the poverty level & never get anywhere with credit or experience having credit, you're just royally fucked!!
    After being a literal medical lab rat for 22yrs, abandoned by my large, healthy, middle class family & used & abused by a female version of TRUMP for a mother, who took my entire $12k back disability check & 90% of every monthly check after, I am literally DYING FROM STRESS (massive terminal stress heart failure), because I'm the only person I know in my life who's never had a vehicle of any kind!
    No rides to my twice a month mandatory Dr appts 45mins away, no way to get to the store or anywhere else I may need to, more than the 3x a month I'm allowed to tag along with my abusive mother or the neighbor to Walmart.
    My heart was stomped into pieces after watching events come thru an hour or less away, especially in the 2016 elections cycle when I finally got into politics, events that would have changed my life, or at least let me experience being treated like a human being, be around others who have the same passions & dreams as I do, something positive to hold onto for the years I'm trapped in my lab rat cage! LGBTQ parades, Bernie rallies, Atheist events, concerts, even seeing a movie in a theater, none of which I've done at all, or in years in the case of movies! Nothing to make me know what freedom, happiness, being loved, being supported, etc even feel like! If I had been allowed to move out of state like 90% of my family has for no reason at all, I not only would be massively less financially stressed, but could be treated by specialists for my dozen (& counting) debilitating, painful chronic & terminal illnesses, most of which go ignored here!
    I wonder how many other young adults are trapped & end up dying in the same town they were born in, because they had the most careless, neglectful family & impossible to attain standards before being allowed the chance at a vehicle of ANY KIND…

  26. How in the fuck is he African American? He’s from Europe. Can we all just understand the language that we have all agreed upon.

  27. Hey, I accidentally had Siri set to Australian English as I speak American English. The same thing happened to me and I was getting so pissed I wanted to throw my iPhone as hard as I could on the ground! I would ask to call “mom”, Siri would say “now calling Vitaly!” Or would play the wrong music group, etc, etc…

  28. its racist to call an asian person a bad driver because of their eyes. Just saying it for the ones who don’t understand. Im not saying it true nor do i agree withthis.

  29. Shut your mouth boy.
    You are just another broke ass bitch that cant get any credit.
    So why joke about something you know nothing of?

  30. Yeah, there are 26 letters in English, but how many words, 20k, 40k? While there are about 8k characters in Chinese, and that's it.

  31. HE'S ONLY HALF BLACK SO HE CAN USE A BLACK PERSON AS A SHIELD FOR BULLETS WHEN THE COPS START SHOOTING. FROM PERSONAL EXPERIENCE THEY ARE TRAINED TO FIRE IN ORDER OF MELANIN. IT'S CALLED "PASSENGER 58 A.K.A. THE WESLEY SNIPES LAW!" #USEIT

  32. Having a shit day till my son sent me ur videos never laughed and cried at the same time ur a clever dude soooo funny man thank u we need to laugh more in this beautiful world .Especially the way it’s all turning out to be on this earth.peace to the universe✌🏻💕😂xx

  33. To all the people thinking you can't do comedy anymore because of our pc culture and because you're always offending somebody: look at this. This is great. It's hilarious and there's so much ethnic humour in there, but it's not offensive, because he's not insulting anyone…

  34. Get yourself a spanish GPS😆😆😆😆😆😆😆😆😅😅😅😅😅😅😅😅😅😅😅😅😅😅

  35. Watched this thousand times but still laugh like am watching it for the first time….never get enough of Trevor's jokes😂😂😂😂😂

  36. I guess the credit thing is like a report card. It let companies know if you're trustworthy.
    They dont want to lose a $15,000+ car just because they just want to get a rental fee of $35+/day.

  37. Hahaha Trevor !! You are just too much ! It doesn’t matter how low I am feeling, I watch one of your videos and before long… I am laughing like crazy 😂😂😂😂
    Thank you 🙏🏽

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